


I'll smile even if it hurts

by Blancalill



Category: NCT
Genre: Angst, M/M, NCT U, SMRookies - Freeform, johnten, nct - Freeform, nct 127, sorry - Freeform, tenny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 05:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12052572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blancalill/pseuds/Blancalill
Summary: Johnny smiling even if everything is going to hell in his life.





	I'll smile even if it hurts

**Author's Note:**

> [My New Twitter](https://twitter.com/extrarenminstan) come talk to me i really do like talking to you guys and i post about nct and my daily life and yea… please   
> [My CC](https://curiouscat.me/blancalill) ask me questions i love answering them i also like when people just give me ideas for fic or are just soft just leave anything there and it will make my day

The picture of the smiling boy hadn’t seen the light of day in forever. Johnny not wanting to see his smile ever since he left him. Ever since the person he loved left him. When he looks at the picture of the Thai boy a smile forms on his lips. He hasn’t seen that smile in a long time.

The days when he was still beside Johnny seemed like they would last forever, but one day he was gone. One day suddenly he left his side. Tears start to well up in Johnny’s eyes, but he won’t cry for Ten’s sake. For his loves sake. He doesn’t want Ten to feel bad, wherever he is.

When he had left Johnny had promised himself he would live without him, but as he looks at the photo he wants him back. He can’t have him back though. The more he thinks about their past together he loses it. Tears start to stream down his face. No matter how much it hurts, even if tears keep coming down his, he doesn’t stop smiling. He wants to think of him and smile.

No matter how much he tries to tell himself that he forgot him, that he is okay now the tears keep flowing. He was never good at pretending. Especially if it had Ten in it. He lets out a small laugh as he remembers the time he and some friends were going to have a surprise party for Ten, but he accidentally told him. He couldn’t lie to his face. He was too cute.

Johnny tries to dry his tears; he doesn’t want him to feel bad. He will go back to living normally now. Forgetting the picture again. Not looking at it for months. As he puts the picture back where he found it he smiles. Reminding himself he will always smile when thinking about him.

Turning his back to the now hidden picture he thinks about when he first left. When his heart was aching and hurting. How many people comforted him, but that’s not what he wanted at that time. All he wanted was him. He wanted Ten, but he never came. He never hugged him when he cried.

He hopes to himself that Ten too had that wherever he was. He hopes that he too is happy. Even if he can’t see him, he hopes he is happy. He hopes he is happy with all his friends, that also left Johnny that day. Those friends Johnny could think about without crying, but Ten was different. He was so much more than just a friend.

The last tear falls from Johnny’s left eye. He quickly wipes it, and smile. He will smile for Ten even if it hurts. He will smile even if he can’t see him, because he is sure Ten can see him. Wherever he is.

When he leaves his room Johnny decides he is finally doing what he has put off for months. He will go to his grave. He will look at his beautiful name written on the big stone above his burned body. His beautiful body, burned. Gone. He doesn’t like to think about that. He isn’t gone, no. He is alive and well. He is only visiting his family for a long while. For forever. Never coming back to Johnny ever again.

Again Johnny loses it. This time not caring if Ten sees him and feels bad or not. He should feel bad. He should feel bad for getting in the car even though the driver was drunk. He should feel bad for sitting in that car as the rain was pouring down. He should feel bad for leaving Johnny like that. For leaving him on his birthday. On his special day. The day he had waited for. The day he was going to take Ten home. Take him to Thailand, but he found another way. Leaving him behind. Never to come back.

He is sitting on the floor now. Memories of the night flooding in. Him having fun at home. Him getting the phone call and running to the hospital. Him being told it’s too late. Him crying on the floor in the hospital. His friends crying with him, but none quite as hard as him. At that time there was still a chance that the others could survive. That the others could smile and run again. They never did run or smile again though. The other two also died. The only survivor being the driver.

The day they had gotten the words of the other’s death it was Johnny’s turn to hug somebody and tell them it was okay. It wasn’t just him that lost him love because of that accident. He was the only one that lost a love that night that was still alive though. His friend had jumped from the apartment complex a week later. He died while everybody was watching. Him too never to smile or run again.

Johnny had thought about it too, but his friends never left him out of sight after their friend’s suicide. He was never alone after that. Not even today. He knew his friends where outside waiting for him to join them for movie night. Before he had walked into the room he was going to do that, but as he sits on the floor and cries he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

He wants to follow Ten, and his friends, but he also wants to see his grave first. Deep down he knows he can never bring himself to go to his grave again. Not after the funeral. Not after seeing his mom, father and sister crying. Not after passing out because of lack of sleep in the middle of the funeral. Not after his mom told him that he wanted Ten to marry him. Not after all the sad memories of that place.

He doesn’t stop crying as he walks to the window. He and his friends live seven levels up, but he doesn’t know if he will die from it. He doesn’t care though as he sits down in the windowsill. After the suicide the members had sealed his window closed, so it must be dangerous. He knows his friends, his family will find him, but he doesn’t care. He needs to see Ten.

One finger at a time he lets go. Pushing away with his legs, he starts to fall. The ground coming closer and closer. He hits the ground hard.

He and Ten are eating chicken in the dorm. The first time they had chicken in a long time. Both of them dieting for their Christmas comeback. The other members are there too. They are all smiling and laughing. Johnny is too. He is having fun with them all. He is enjoying life.

“I love you.” Johnny playfully hits Ten as he speaks. It’s embarrassing when he says it in front of the other members. Still he answers.

“I love you too.” Ten wraps his arms around Johnny as he climbs to sit on his lap. Johnny letting him. When he is comfortably seated he turns and looks at Johnny. He knows what he wants. Leaning forward to kiss him. He never gets to kiss him though. He gets woken up by another voice.

“He is waking up.” Slowly he opens his eyes. It’s bright, but he doesn’t care. He wants to know what’s going on. He still’s smiles at the man above him, even if he is in pain.

“You fell from level 7. The ambulance is on its way.” He doesn’t quite get it. It’s too warm. It’s supposed to be December, but it feels like July. He wants to ask what day it is, but he doesn’t get to. He is too tired. His eyes shutting themselves, he drifts off to dreamland. Back to Ten and the chicken.

“You’re Johnny Seo right?” This time he feels the car moving. He must be in the ambulance. What a weird dream. He doesn’t answer the woman in the car though as he looks around. White and red. He had never been inside an ambulance, but this is how he imagines it.

“What month is it?” Finally, he can ask the question. He turns and looks at the lady beside him. She looks shocked at his question. As if he should already know the answer.

“It’s July.” He doesn’t believe her at first, but then he remembers the heat outside. He closes his eyes. Only to think, but he ends up falling asleep again. The neck collar hurting the back of his head. He is again back with Ten and the other members.

The next time he wakes up he doesn’t fall asleep again. They are undressing him. Not in a normal way, but using scissors. He can feel them going down his legs. The metal cold. He doesn’t say anything as they test him. He again thinks it’s a weird dream. Who dreams about somebody putting a finger up their butt? When they start to ask questions he realises the lady in the car, no ambulance was saying the truth. It was July. The police officer also told the truth, mostly, he hadn’t fallen, but that didn’t matter. He was hurt.

In the end he ended up with, his left collar bone broken, the four top ribs broken too and a small concussion. It didn’t bother him though. He was too high on morphine to notice. What he cared about was all his friends standing around him. Asking him questions. They knew the truth, but they didn’t tell the nurses or doctors that.

He was told he would get a solo room since he was only staying a night. He never complained about the neck collar hurting him when the doctors where around, but when they were gone he did. His friends only laughing at him. Glad he was alive.

Whenever he felt pain throughout the night he would ask for more morphine. He didn’t like it, but he had to use it. He had never had so many different types of syringes in him before. He even had one that was constantly stuck in his arms. It was used to give him morphine.

“When will he be able to leave?” His friend asked the nurse giving him food.

“Tomorrow.” The room was crammed, but he felt save with his friends. They were all happy he was alive. He smiled at them even though his chest hurt as he did so.

He had asked them what had happened, but they had just told him that he jumped because of ten. He doesn’t quite get why he would jump for a number, but he doesn’t care. He was happy he was alive and with his friends. Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this story was very difficult to write because I was in a car accident and the hospital plus ambulance were based on my own experiences.  
> -Soph


End file.
